7 Things I Will Do Before I Accept Your Invitation To Connect On LinkedIn


Set Myself On Fire

I’d rather light myself on fire like one of those Buddhist monks protesting war or injustice or whatever the hell Buddhists protest than click “Accept” on your LinkedIn invitation. Now stop sending me those emails! I need my email clear so I can see when Hot Topic’s newsletter lets me know when the new Korn shirts are coming in.

Make Sure George R.R. Martin Never Finishes Game of Thrones

I absolutely love Game of Thrones, but I will follow George R.R. Martin around and slap him in the face any time he tries to finish the series before I accept to your LinkedIn invite. I don’t even have a LinkedIn account! I work in a graveyard making sure no ghosts come around! Like a scarecrow but for ghosts. I’m a scareghost! Why would a scareghost be on LinkedIn?

Create A Company Better Than LinkedIn

I will quit my job at the graveyard, go to business school, take out a massive loan and then use it to start a company and website better than LinkedIn. One so good that everyone leaves LinkedIn to join my site, which I’ll call FuckLinkedIn, bankrupting their company and making your stupid invitation meaningless. My old graveyard will be swarming with ghosts without me, but that’s the price I’ll pay.

Watch The Movie ‘Nine Lives’ Nine Times

I refuse to join your “professional network” so much that I’ll watch the movie Nine Lives, a movie about a fucking person becoming a cat or something even more stupid, nine times before even thinking of accepting your invite. It’s got a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. Even ISIS videos have higher than that.

Vote For Trump

I hate Donald Trump. I hate everything he stands for and every single one of his political policies. I even made those Trump With A Small Penis statues that were in the news recently. However, I will walk into a voting booth and vote for Donald Trump and his small dick to be our next small dick President before I’ll be identified as having a workplace connection with your small dick. I’ll do this knowing that as President, Trump will certainly have me secretly murdered for my statues. Being dead is better than being your pal on LinkedIn. Plus, I know ghosts exists, so I’ll be back and I’ll haunt your annoying ass.

Quit The Internet

I’ll go off the grid. I’ll find that shack where the Unabomber lived and move in completely away from society. If it’s been torn down, I’ll rebuild it. If the wooded area was turned into a strip mall, I’ll get an Orange Julius and then blow it up like the Unabomber would, quickly rebuild the shack, and wait for the police to put me in jail for the rest of my life. I’ll do all of this instead of tapping my finger on my mouse and becoming digitally associated with you. And I hate Orange Julius.

Marry Guy Fieri